Play-offs are always tough. For the seniors, every game could be the last of their high school career, so every second spent on the field is full of nervous anxiety, gritty determination, and self-doubt.
Did I play hard enough? Did I do everything I could? Is there anything I could have done better?
After a tough loss a few weeks ago, I sat the girls down and spoke to them as a teammate, not as a coach. I couldn't help the emotions that sprang into my voice.
"I wish someone would have told me as a freshman, even as a senior, in high school, that you have to play every game like it's your last," I said. "You have to leave everything on the field, because you just don't know. If you can look in the mirror after a game, and be totally honest with yourself, and know that you did everything you could, then you'll never regret a second on the field."
Do I have soccer regrets? Of course. I regret sitting on the bench my last three games of my senior year of college. It sucked. There's no other way to describe that feeling. But did I learn something? You bet I did.
Stu hit the nail on the head after the girls won the CAC championship. He addressed the girls that didn't play, pulling them out and telling them, very clearly, that even though they didn't step foot on the field, they were still champions.
"Do you push these girls every day in practice to be better? Do you live to take the ball away from them, and do you cheer them on every minute of every game? You are all part of this team, no matter how big or small your role in it."
I don't know if he realized what he said affected me as much as it did, but it was like everything suddenly clicked into place.
All at once, I didn't regret those three games anymore, because with those words that he spoke to those girls, I understood. My role on the Centenary College Women's Soccer Team wasn't necessarily as a starting player towards the end of my college career, but as part of the support system. I don't take full credit for my replacement's talent in the net, but I like to think I had something to do with her confidence, her leadership, and her self-esteem.
I also like to think that my leadership helped push my team to be better, and that the hard work I put in for four years influenced at least one person. I definitely know that I influenced myself.
Maybe that's enough.
The girls have another tough game today, and from here on out, a loss will signify the end of their season. And even though the seniors will feel like their world is over, I can speak from experience that it is not.
I remember how I felt after my last college soccer game. I only got to play about 30 minutes of the second half because we were down 5-0. But when that final whistle blew, and the tears came, I suddenly and very clearly understood that the past four years had truly been one of the best experiences of my life. The scores didn't matter, the statistics meant nothing, but the lessons, the joy, the memories and the friendships I made will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I don't imagine that any of these girls will understand that for a long time, but someday, they'll look back and appreciate everything the game gave to them.
For now, though, they've got a game to win and a mirror to look into after the final whistle.
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